Space for Brabus

I’ve been thinking a lot about the not-so-distant past lately.  Starting from the very beginning until the very end, where I lost a friend.

I never lost a friend before…so I can’t help to wonder: was it worthed it?

And I guess deep down I don’t think it is, because everyday I find myself trying to mend things, to bring everything to back to the old normalcy…but always with no success…not because I didn’t give enough effort…but because he doesn’t let me in into his world anymore.

So in the end, things are still broken and there’s nothing else that I can do.

Thus it’s the irreconcilable sadness…the unresolved sorrow, the unsettled guilt…because no matter what I do, it will never be enough…and thus the feeling stays.

“Just because people do bad things, it doesn’t mean they’re bad people” (Izzy-Grey’s Anatomy)

I was looking through my friends’ facebook profiles and stopped at one friend’s.  I couldn’t help smiling as I was looking through his pictures with his wife and daughters…they look so cute and happy together.

And then, the memories started to flood back…especially back to that night years ago.  The night that I almost drove all the way across town just to pour my heartbreak to him over alcohols.  I remembered calling him, asking if I can come over…I remembered how friendly he sounded, sure, why not…I remembered us agreeing for booze…then suddenly, everything was snapped to places.  He told me that it’s probably not a very good idea for me to come…and I remembered saying something about having to drive someone to the airport very early the next morning.

What I remembered most about that night is how I was willing to do anything to drown my sorrow, how I felt that anything can happen that night, and yes, I was able to do anything.  And if anything should happen that night, I don’t think anything will be the same.  But yes, he was there to stop me, because he was being a friend.

A friend in need is a friend indeed…and a friend is someone who is always looking out for you, even when you are least expected…and even one friend can makes all the differences.

Thanks for the reminder, bro.  I owe you one!

The end of the year 2008 is near…and what has 2008 brought me?

It was the year that started in the high of highs and ended in the low of lows…the bottom was not pretty, the wound was almost unbearable, and the pain heals slowly with time.

It was the year of holding on and letting go…and the year of trying to maintain pride and dignity. 

It was the year of memories…and picking up what are left from them…because as one friend put it, it is like stepping onto colorful stained glass…they hurt because the sharp pieces cut your feet…yet they are still beautiful when you pick them up.

It was the year of losing a friend…and disappointing a friend.

It was the year where I came down hard, back to the earth…the year where I was again reminded that nothing lasts forever…and words are never meant to serve as bonds.

It was the year that I realize that in the end you only have yourself to rely on…and you can never trust someone fully.

It was the year where high expectations will never be fulfilled…and you can’t always get what you want.

It was a year full of hopes, temptations, fears, apologies, and tears.

Was 2008 that bad of a year?

Every cloud has its silver lining…and as each storm cleared, I learned to be thankful…thankful for everything: families, friends, job, health, and, most of all, life…and in the end, I learn to be humble.

So what are my hopes for 2009?

Nothing…because sometimes we just need to clear our heads, close our eyes and dive directly into the uncharted water, accompanied with faith only.

Happy New Year 2009, everyone.  Let’s roll!

“I fell asleep crying but I woke up lighthearted because I found flicker of hope’s still there.  Then I know the faith in love has kept me strong.  Believe in God & miracle, Sis”

(from the girl who can’t be moved, who has accompanied me during so many tears)

I went to confession the other day and the priest told me that the root of my problem is that I have to learn to love unconditionally.

But I don’t think I can.

Because messages that are not returned, answers that are below expectation, not being able to be together…those things hurt, really hurt.

We tried to love unconditionally…but we want it to be returned, in the same way we have been loving.  Because we are not play things, because nothing in return means they have let go, because silence is lonely and scary.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, for I have failed to love unconditionally and hope that someone will love me unconditionally instead.

Amen.

“What difference a year makes”, that was what one of my colleagues said about commodity prices…and indeed, what difference a year makes in the life of one Felicia.

I remember that tonight, a year ago, I spent it with the same person I spent tonight with.  But the situation was so different…whereas last year was when the storm started to brew…and this year was more like gluing the tiny pieces slowly together.

What difference a year makes…in term of love, hate, and trust.  Tonight, one year ago, I was trying to hold on to something I believe in….and tonight, I was just looking for a hint of trust, making up for the lost times.

What difference a year makes…and I guess what they say it’s true…love comes and goes…friendship lasts longer…and that’s all I ask.

By accident, I found a bunch of my junior high school friends in facebook yesterday.  As I browsed through their pages, what I found were quite refreshing.

Unlike Indonesians at our age group, theirs are not filled with pictures of kids, works, and obligations, but rather of themselves going out, having fun, living their lives to the fullest.

Many are still in school, a few are married, but one thing is for sure, they live their lives for themselves.  Theirs are not the faces of Indonesians I see everyday…

They are not likely to shun the love of their lives because that someone does not belong in the same race/faith group as they are…

They are not likely to stay in marriages out of obligation because they are too lazy to face reality…

They are not likely to keep quiet when they are hurt, just so everything will be OK, be undisturbed, and keep running as usual… 

And they are definitely not likely to marry someone just because society dictates that you have too.

Sometimes we got too caught up chasing what our life should be that we take less than we deserve.  We forgot what is most important, that these are our lives and we should live this for us and us alone.

“Do you know when to walk away? Do you know when not to take less than you deserve? If you do, then you’re an honorable man”

                                                           (Jane Burke - Grey’s Anatomy)

I couldn’t have agreed more…because sometimes love is all we have to make us brave enough to face a new day…

“Often…too often…things that start out as just a normal part of your life at some point cross the line to obsessive… compulsive… out of control. 

It’s the high we’re chasing, the high that makes everything else…fade away.  Still, they say you don’t kick the habit ’til you hit rock bottom.

But how do you know when you’re there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us…sometimes letting it go hurts even worse.”

                                                                        (Meredith Grey - Grey’s Anatomy)

These past couple of days, I felt ecstatic…ok, ok, maybe not that strong of a word, but I was certainly happy.  Happy cuz I finally finished the training program, happy cuz I got my vacation leave, and happy cuz I finally got some down time for 2 weeks.  I feel calmer and lighter, no burden.

But then, slowly, as I started plowing through my take home office works, CFA books, and emails, reality started to seep in.  I still worry about my work, I’m still confident that I can not possibly pass the CFA, and I realize that I’m still missing San Diego.

And Anthony said that San Diego misses me, so there!  And now, I’m back to being mellow…and bitter…and worrisome…

Life IS full of surprises.  Evidences are as follows:

1. A relative had a stroke today and doctors said he had 10% chance of survival (may God bless him and his family, my thoughts are with you guys).
2. It’s official, all of us graduated from the MT program.  The surprise is we got a maximum 10 days of unpaid leave, which is given on a take it or leave it basis.  After 1 year of grueling work hours, I just feel that we are fully entitled to that vacation time.  I mean, come on, we didn’t have any sick days for the past 1 year.  Yet, I guess the company won’t give in that easily because many conditions were applied to the vacation time. 
3. I got that dreaded phone call from THAT client…and I think I did OK (phew)
4. I got that dreaded phone call from one of the bosses…resulting in extra works for the weekend (which I still need to figure out the best way to tackle it, since I’ve never done writings like this previously)
5. If everything unfolds as planned, I might be able to take my vacation and study CFA (even though I know I won’t pass this time either).  If everything won’t go as planned, at least I will have someone to blame when I fail my CFA (tee hee)

So life is full of suprises, no? Nope, not really.  All I know is that life is short…but it shouldn’t be this "blaah", should it?

Never ever go home from the office in a hurry, cuz you might:

• forget to log out…thus, your 10 hours at the office would be a waste, cuz they would count you as an absentee anyway on that day
• forget the stuffs that you suppose to bring home and work on for Monday…
• …and conversely, bring home the stuffs that you don’t need