Space for Brabus

The end of the year 2008 is near…and what has 2008 brought me?

It was the year that started in the high of highs and ended in the low of lows…the bottom was not pretty, the wound was almost unbearable, and the pain heals slowly with time.

It was the year of holding on and letting go…and the year of trying to maintain pride and dignity. 

It was the year of memories…and picking up what are left from them…because as one friend put it, it is like stepping onto colorful stained glass…they hurt because the sharp pieces cut your feet…yet they are still beautiful when you pick them up.

It was the year of losing a friend…and disappointing a friend.

It was the year where I came down hard, back to the earth…the year where I was again reminded that nothing lasts forever…and words are never meant to serve as bonds.

It was the year that I realize that in the end you only have yourself to rely on…and you can never trust someone fully.

It was the year where high expectations will never be fulfilled…and you can’t always get what you want.

It was a year full of hopes, temptations, fears, apologies, and tears.

Was 2008 that bad of a year?

Every cloud has its silver lining…and as each storm cleared, I learned to be thankful…thankful for everything: families, friends, job, health, and, most of all, life…and in the end, I learn to be humble.

So what are my hopes for 2009?

Nothing…because sometimes we just need to clear our heads, close our eyes and dive directly into the uncharted water, accompanied with faith only.

Happy New Year 2009, everyone.  Let’s roll!

“I fell asleep crying but I woke up lighthearted because I found flicker of hope’s still there.  Then I know the faith in love has kept me strong.  Believe in God & miracle, Sis”

(from the girl who can’t be moved, who has accompanied me during so many tears)

I went to confession the other day and the priest told me that the root of my problem is that I have to learn to love unconditionally.

But I don’t think I can.

Because messages that are not returned, answers that are below expectation, not being able to be together…those things hurt, really hurt.

We tried to love unconditionally…but we want it to be returned, in the same way we have been loving.  Because we are not play things, because nothing in return means they have let go, because silence is lonely and scary.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, for I have failed to love unconditionally and hope that someone will love me unconditionally instead.

Amen.

“What difference a year makes”, that was what one of my colleagues said about commodity prices…and indeed, what difference a year makes in the life of one Felicia.

I remember that tonight, a year ago, I spent it with the same person I spent tonight with.  But the situation was so different…whereas last year was when the storm started to brew…and this year was more like gluing the tiny pieces slowly together.

What difference a year makes…in term of love, hate, and trust.  Tonight, one year ago, I was trying to hold on to something I believe in….and tonight, I was just looking for a hint of trust, making up for the lost times.

What difference a year makes…and I guess what they say it’s true…love comes and goes…friendship lasts longer…and that’s all I ask.