Space for Brabus

A co-worker told me the other day that he just saw our attendance log and his working hours are averaging at around 13 hours per day for the year to date, making him the hardest working man in the office.  Then he added, "And fel, you are right after me, averaging at around 12 something hours per day."

Gosh…No wonder I have been thinking lately that my life will be just perfect if I can have more time in a day.  I guess now we know where half of my days goes.

Many complained about my long hours.

And how do I myself feel about this? As one friend put it,"Geez, I just can’t wait to stop living dynamically…and begin a stable, static life"

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost -

A couple of weeks ago, as I laid on my bed, exhausted as usual, I thought to myself…what if this life right now is just a dream? Maybe, just maybe, if I closed my eyes and concentrated hard about where I wanted to be, I would wake up from this dream.  So I closed my eyes, visualized of that place really hard, then I opened my eyes…and unlike Hiro Nakamura, I found myself still in my room.

Then, the funny thing is that the next day, when I met up with some old friends, one of them said that last night she dreamt that her life right now was just a dream.  In that dream, she woke up and was running through her previous normal course of life, busy and happy.

Is it a sin if we wished this life, right now, is just a dream?  I just want to wake up…

"dalam hitam gelap malam
kuberdiri melawan sepi
di sini di pantai ini
telah terkubur sejuta kenangan
dihempas keras gelombang
dan tertimbun batu karang
yang tak kan mungkin dapat terulang

wajah putih pusat pasi
tergores luka di hati
matamu membuka kisah
kasih asmara yang telah ternoda
hapuskan semua khayalan
lenyapkan satu harapan
kemana lagi harus mencari

kau sandarkan sejenak beban diri
kau taburkan benih kasih
hanyalah emosi

melambung jauh terbang tinggi
bersama mimpi
terlelap dalam lautan emosi
setelah aku sadar diri
kau tlah jauh pergi
tinggalkan mimpi yang tiada bertepi

kini hanya rasa rindu
merasuk di dada
serasa sumpah melayang pergi
terbawa arus kasih membara"

- Mimpi by Anggun -

A remake of a 70s (or 80s…not really sure) Indonesian movie got out in theater some times ago. It’s called “The Storm Will Definitely Past” (Badai Pasti Berlalu). Compared to this storm, my life problems are nothing…if you want me to talk in the weather-y term, cloudy with 50% chance of drizzles is more like it. We all know that storms will past, they will come and go. But, what about the clouds? the drizzles? What if they just…won’t…go…away…?

Pet peeves of the moment: beautiful people, with their secrets, shared glances, and small talks.

Lately, I’ve drowned myself to deep into Excel…thus, I feel the need to write (not that I’m a good writer, but more like I have the need to rant and rave in writings).

Anyhow, one of my pet peeves in Indonesia is the bathroom queue.  In the States, Singapore, and I’m pretty sure other civilized countries, people form one line to get into the bathroom stalls. So when a stall becomes available, the next girl will get her turn. It’s just that simple, not to mention fair. 

But in Indonesia, it’s like gambling at a casino.  First, you have to choose which stall you want to queue for…so if the girl inside is taking her sweet time (you know how the girls are in the restroom), well, good luck to you.  Then, if other stall becomes available, then you can’t use that one, even though you have been waiting for the goddamn door to open for 30 minutes, while the other girl who queues at the next stall just got there like 3 seconds ago.

And of course, this is not only limited to the restroom queue.  This also applies to the gym showers.  I mean come on, I am tired and sweaty and I just want to go home…thus I need to shower.  I don’t care if you are only wearing a towel or nothing at all.  I don’t care if you are cold or feeling tired having all your things hanging out in the open (Hey, that was your choice after all, don’t blame me for that).  I was there first.  So when a shower opens up, that should be my turn or whoever is next in line.  But no, there is no such courtesy in Indonesia, much less Jakarta.

Queueing should be a discipline, not a gamble.  I can accept it when you have to choose which cash registers to queue for in the department or groceries stores…or at the buffet line…or at the movie theaters.  But restroom queue should not be a gamble.  It’s bad enough that you really have to go, you don’t need to fight for your luck there too.

There’s always a lot of what ifs with the one that got away, just like today…His mere presence was able to make me think: What did I do wrong? Would it made a difference if I did such and such? Did I blow a perfect chance?

I guess He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named still occupies a little space in my heart (and brain?)

Sigh…I blame the over-exposed, over-commercialized, over-anticipated Valentine’s Day for this.

What a week!

Things have been really shitty this past week.  First, I broke one of my shoes’ heels at the office.  Remember the mentos’ ads where the girl broke her heel? Yup, something like that. 

Second, it has been a wet week for Jakarta.  Rain was like pouring from the sky…and everything was leaking, from my house to my office.  Strange but true, there were 3 leaks at the office’s roof and, of course, all of those leaks have to be at my cubicle.  Go figure!!

Last but not least, I felt like I totally disappointed my boss.  I supposed to have a model (the financial one, not the fashion one) ready by friday…and I just could not finish it. Damn it! You definitely know you are not performing well when your boss asked you "Are you frustrated with the model?"

So anyways, I thought the week is finally over.  Please God, let me relax, I prayed.  But of course, there’s no such thing.  Rain brings all short of things, including flood and despairs.  The worst one happened yesterday, where Jakarta was flooded.  There was water everywhere.  Yesterday, I left my office at 6 pm and arrived home at 2 am…8 hours ride home for something that usually only takes 1 hour, the most.  Thank God my house is ok…and at least those people at the PLN have the decency to shut down power at 3 am, after I finished taking my shower.  Last night was the first nite ever in Jakarta where I can sleep with a blanket, without turning on the air conditioner, and I didn’t sweat at all.

I hope next week will be better…otherwise…

I think I worked too much this week…

Mood of the moment: t-i-r-e-d

Just went through a major change at work last week…and am still trying to settle all the moving dusts while scrambling to figure out what I am supposed to do now.  Accomplishment so far: definitely not off to a good start.  Changes create imbalances and imbalances cause uncertainties…I guess I do hate changes.

Mood of the moment: Missing Korean movies nite-long, night walks around the neighborhood-lazy afternoons at the library-driving around in the little red car-taro (powder please!) milk tea with boba-20 yoplait yogurts for $5-dim sum brunches-sitting around at the beach-5HWV637 (thanks Benz)-long saturday nites at the movies-"do you want to get some dinner tonite" text messages-ice cream in bed-wide, empty freeways-kinda mood.

Mood of the moment: Heartbroken

There is this guy…and a couple of weeks ago, I prayed to God to please let me have a specific moment with him.  Considering the occassion at that time, I didn’t think it was possible…but I asked for the moment anyway…and I got it!!

Wow, I mean this must be a "go" sign from God…but so I thought.  After that incident, I prayed again…this time, I pray if he’s the best, then please God, show me some signs and let us be together.  And yes, life has a funny way sneaking up on you (directly quoted from Alanis Morisette).  A few days ago, my competitor made a bold move…which followed by little flirtations, that culminated today.

My initial reaction was anger…angry with the situation, of why it has to be her, why I didn’t see this coming.  But then, I realized that there were already little hints along the way, indications that we were not a perfect match.  To solidify the matter, the one thing that should bond us further were taken from us….I guess I was the blind mice, I only chose to see what I wanted to see. 

So yep, I guess I have the answer to my prayer.  But I’m still entitled to have a gloomy moment, right?

Hence, my mood of the moment: heartbroken =(

The end of the year is near…so what does 2006 mean to me?

The year started off weakly with lots of issues…never realize some things were so fragile…many were broken: sisterhood, friendship, trust, confidence, and faith…Yet, as time went by, I managed to mend some, while some…well, they are in the works.

Overall, the year was a volatile one…started the year in a rut…and ended with a (hopefully) stable job with a (hopefully) career prospect…gaining a few friends along the way…most notably is an ensemble of the 16 most interesting people I’ve ever known.

So here’s to the end of 2006 and the beginning of the new year…may all hopes are anew, trust is restored, goals are achieved, prayers are answered… and most definitely, looking forward to more good food, friends, and times.

Happy new year 2007 everyone!!